A Final Good-Bye
Submitted by:
Freed Allin
I was 16 years old, in High
School, and deeply into my first love/infatuation.
While any sixteen year old
in first love will think he/she is the only one to feel this way ever on the
entire planet, Paul and I really did have an uncommon bond, as if we
were soul, or siblings. It stands as the strongest bond I have ever
had to another human being besides members of my immediate family.
Tragically, Paul and I had a
lover's quarrel, about what I can't remember, so I accepted another boy's
invitation to the Spring dance.
During a party after the
dance we got the news that there had been an accident and it may have involved
Paul. We went home immediately and actually drove by the accident on the
way home although we did not know it was Paul's. A black car was at a 45
degrees angle leaning against a telephone poll on a curvy rural road a little
outside of town. There was a Haz-Mat crew at the site. I remember how eerie the
scene looked with these men in their "space suits" and the unnatural
location of the car.
The next day we found out
that was indeed the accident. Paul, another boy from our school, John, and
three kids from a different High School were traveling in the direction of the
dance when Paul, who was driving, swerved to miss a car in the next oncoming
lane. They had all been drinking.
Two of the kids from the
other school who were in the back seat died. John, a very good friend who
had been sitting in the front seat, later told me that he watched Paul who was
alive immediately after the accident slip away before his eyes and before the
paramedic crew arrived. Paul was badly injured and could barely speak as
he went in and out of consciousness but John talked with him until he passed
away. John tried to exit the car not realizing he was several feet off the
ground. He sustained further injuries from the fall. Having seen the
accident, I knew exactly what he meant.
The last tragic detail came
at the hospital where all of the kids were taken. The hospital had
misidentified Paul's body as John's. When John's parents came to identify
their son, they realized it was Paul and had to call his parents with the
news. John suffered severe mental trauma and questioned why he had not
died instead.
I myself couldn't help but
think, what if we hadn't fought, what if...what if...what if...
The fear, anger, dread, and
loss hit me like a truck. I couldn't get the thought out of mind and was beside
myself for days, raging with guilt.
It was one of the first
major losses in my life. And by far the most brutal. To, on top of everything
else, have to think about the scene that John described, to think of this young
vibrant kid and how gruesomely he left the world...it was almost too much to
bear.
Because there was drinking
involved and injuries to the people in the other oncoming car we were told there
would be a trial and I might be called as a character witness for Paul to help
the Prosecution and his family.
I really didn't know
how I was going to handle the that. I didn't want to relive any of it.
I felt as if I would never be released from the pain and guilt that were
consuming me.
Then, very late one night, I
was alone doing homework at my desk in my room. Suddenly, slowly and
strangely, I felt something, a presence in the room with me. The hairs on
the back of my raised up and I was filled with fear. I turned toward
my bed and there, sitting quietly in the same red cardigan sweater he always
wore, was Paul. I was petrified, but the look on his face was so peaceful,
so concerned. I heard him say, 'I'm all right.' I don't know if I
heard it in my mind or if he actually spoke to me. But he told me 'not to
worry about him anymore,' he told me again that 'he was alright' and that he
wanted me to stop worrying because it wasn't my fault.'
I believe that the strong
connection we had in life allowed him to come back to me and comfort me one
last time and most importantly, to say good-bye.
And I will be eternally grateful to know that he was alright.
Graciously submitted
by: Freed Allin
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